A life of SAHDness

Herewith, my day as a SAHD/househusband/part-time single Dad/trophy husband:

6am - Rouse out of bed and perform my morning toilette, make a double ristretto espresso, gulp down OJ and some wholewheat toast w. blueberry jelly. Check email.
6:30am - Wake up the lads, using credible threats where appropriate. Ensure basic hygiene is observed. Prepare their breakfast.
6:45am - Kissed g'bye by TFBIM
6:47am - Remind the boys that breakfast ends at 7am, sharp. You don't finish it then, you don't finish it at all. (Mommy's rule is that breakfast must be finished, even if we're 3 hours late for school)
7am - Breakfast ends. Lads lockstep it to the kitchen with remnants. Begin to gather implements of schooling.
7:15am - We pile into Silly Italian Sports Car #1 and roar off to face the academe.
8:30am - Go into office. Answer emails and faxes, forward office calls to my cellphone.
9:15am - Go to gym. Schvitz and curse.
10am - Go home, shower. Call the range and get a 10:30am spot. Unlock and dust off the firearm* and head to practice.
10:30am - Embarrass myself for 15 minutes, hoping nobody notices. Regain some semblance of proficiency.
11:15am - Return home, trade in weapon for the grocery list** and go to the various food purveyors.
12:30pm - Lunch (Miso soup, teriyaki shrimp & vegetable hosomaki...and a liter of San Pellegrino) and lite emailing.
1pm - Go shop at the Macy's Cellar kitchen sale
2:30pm - Pick up offspring
3:15pm - Return home. Start demanding homework be done immediately. More credible threats issued.
4:15pm - Take NOS to his afterschool thing.
4:40pm - Go to B&N with NTS to kill time and to buy magazines and a Dick & Jane reader for NTS.
5:45pm - Pickup NOS.
6pm - Home
6:05pm - Throw NTS into the shower. Begin dinner (Chicken fajitas from scratch with all the fixings, frozen strawberry yogurt***) as I address NOS's questions of what Jesus liked for a snack and why the sky is blue.
6:20pm - Dry off NTS and exhort NOS to hop in the shower. Sit NTS on the counter where the potential for mischief is minimized (this is never truly eliminated with NTS) as I make salsa and grill off chicken.
6:45pm - Make NOS set the table. Gather edibles (as above) and potables (2 milks and 1 Negra Modelo) and dine.
7:15pm - Make the lads clear off the table and load up the dishwasher
7:30pm - Reading in bed. NOS with Narnia in the upper bunk, NTS with his D&J reader and I with American Bungalow in the lower bunk.
8:30pm - Lights out. Load the bread machine and set the timer, set the timer on the espresso machine. Use citrus squisher (WAY fun) to make OJ for tomorrow.
9pm - Online time
9:30pm -Kiss and feed (leftovers) to TFBIM
10pm - Make hot chocolate for TFBIM and tuck her in bed
10:30pm - Onlining until 2am.
2am - Bedtime for Daddy.

-Joke

* This is not some sort of pervy slang. Yes, I do have a firearm and YES, it's locked away.
** I realize this is the biggest cliché in Blogville, but for once it felt correct
*** Just take 4 of the 6oz tubs of Stoneyfield Organic Lowfat Strawberry Yogurt and dump 'em into the Krups ice cream machine and let it run whilst dinnah is being prepared.

Comments

Badger said…
You put that "pervy slang" disclaimer in there just for me, didn't you?

And also, I would bet money that Jesus was a cocktail peanut guy.
jujube said…
so what did you decide Jesus liked for a snack?
julia said…
I'm convinced Jesus liked hot'n'spicy pork rinds and a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Sarah Louise said…
Jesus liked figs. Its right there in Luke.
BabelBabe said…
Yeah, but I want to know what the Son of God eats for elevenses...

i am so very ill, would TFBYM lend you to me for fifteen minutes to make me hot cocoa? I would be forever in her debt -- and yours, of course.
Joke said…
Jujube, I told NOS I'd look it up.
I gotta go with SL on the fig thing. Mind you, it's not that 1st Century Palestine was the whirling vortex of snackitude that is, say, your average Circle K, so the choices were pretty limited.

I think grilled fish were also big with Him, but that's not really a snack.

-J.
Joke said…
BabBab,

You realize there IS a difference between hot cocoa and hot chocolate. I'm cool with either, but I wanna make sure you're clear on your choices.

-J.

P.S. Yes, Badge...for you and Poppy both.
jujube said…
OK, so I'm at work and it's my slow season (which is why I can take 2 weeks off next month to head to Florida and come back to 2 new emails and zero voicemails, like I did last year), so I put "biblical snacks" into Google...and decided that what resulted was blog worthy. So you'll have to go here

http://inadvertent.blog-city.com/

to read it.

Thanks for the inspiration, Joke!
Poppy Buxom said…
I didn't notice anything perverted. Unless it was the creamy pink mounds of strawberry frogurt.
Joke said…
Jujube,

I'm thinking Jesus may not have been all down with that whole Jell-O thing.

-J.
jujube said…
On the contrary, I think He would have loved it. But then again, my view is strongly influenced by Christopher Moore's _Lamb_ (waving to Badger).
blackbird said…
WHAT AM I? WOOD?

no chocolate/cocoa/pervy slang?
not even a hint of cheese?


sheesh
blackbird said…
I don't think it's figs...



...dates.
Badger said…
Look! A seagull!

Is Jell-o kosher? Did the Lord keep kosher? Do you learn this stuff in church? Do you see how being raised by hippies has ruined my chances of ever winning Trivial Pursuit, New Testament Version?
BabelBabe said…
jello is so NOT kosher - hello, gelatin, people! (there's a soylent green joke here somewhere but i am far too congested to conjure it up.)

i like either, joke, and thx to john thorne am very aware of the differences - i think i made the food equivalent of freudian slippage, am needing comfort foods. hot cocoa = comfort; hot chocolate = luxury.
Joke said…
Mistah B,

Walther PPK 380/S. I like to hit at what I aim.

BB,

I was unaware of your propensity to assume pervy slang. Consider yourself--albeit belatedly--lumped in with the, er, lumpenpervs. I also think "dates" is a bit too "1001 Nights" and not so much New Testament, but I am open to correction.

Not only am I pretty sure Christ would not be all down with the Jell-O thing, but had the opportunity arisen, He may have also rebuked guar and carageenan while He was at it. That's just a supposition though.

-J.
jujube said…
Joke, He wouldn't EAT those horrible jello thing. But He would find them amusing.
mr_bartel said…
380 eh?

Just wonderin'

You can tell a lot 'bout a guy by the size of his pistol.
Joke said…
Jujube, you mean like sending all those horrible--past, present & future--Jell-O desserts over a cliff like the Gadarene swine?

Mr B., I agree. You can tell what sort of compensatory skills he needn't develop.

-J.

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