Thursday, March 08, 2007

See if this makes sense to you. [UPDATED!]

My wife, for all her manifold virtues, has some serious weirdnesses about her.

Last night, as I am wandering around the house looking for a way to rescue an injured bottle of aftershave, I catch a glimpse of what she's watching on TV. It's a documentary on some sort of awful -- and I mean awful -- birth defects. She's beholding this in rapt attention. Then, when it ends, there's another one on exorcism. Other nights she might be watching something on reconstructive surgery for people involved in lawn-care mishaps or documentaries of people who have been tortured by the KGB for being pedestrians.

This morning, like most mornings, as she is rushing out to work, she asks me "Did you read the paper this morning? Did you read about ____? Isn't it terrible?" My wife doesn't react to stories of national import or global significance. What the Senate approved or the United Nations decided mean nothing to her. Now, you print a story about how some criminals burglarized the dwelling of an octogenarian and my wife is like a moth at a forest fire.

You'll hear sympathetic sound effects from behind her tankard of cappuccino. "Oh, how terrible!" Pause. "Amazing." Longer pause. "Then, the burglars stole her kidneys! Can you imagine!? She's elderly and she probably uses her kidneys, a lot." That sort of thing. Regular misery (y'know, genocide, natural disasters, starvation and/or garden-variety oppression) don't hold much appeal. But stuff like an old lady having her kidneys stolen, and possibly her liver as well -- Nana wasn't sure if she had left her liver behind over at her friend Myrtle's -- and a beatific sort of look comes over my wife. She was positively incandescent when that whole "astronaut with the diapers/attempted abduction & murder" thing came out.

So, I have declared her "Recreationally morbid."


[UPDATE!] Last night we had dinner on the late-ish side, since TFBIM would be getting home "early" (early for it being tax season). During dinner, a sip of wine went down the wrong way which sent TFBIM coughing up a storm. In mid-fit, she YELPS "Ow! HOLY $#!+*" and resumed coughing only to punctuate her coughs with imprecations and oaths. Once this spectacle had concluded she explained "I was coughing so hard, I hurt my ovary."

* With the kids, like, right there.

Posted by Joke at 8:47 AM


  • Blogger julia posted at 11:38 AM, March 08, 2007  
    *whistles nonchalantly* Why, ummmmm....yes, that is a bit odd...Me? Watch shows like that? Well...maybe once in a while...if I'm flipping channels.... *whistles nonchalantly, stares off into space*
  • Blogger daysgoby posted at 11:42 AM, March 08, 2007  
    I blame the tv channel TLC. Last night was birth-defect night - an hour on non-separatable twins, then an hour on primordial dwarfism. (Then it repeated.)A few days ago it was crazy medical night, with all the accompanying drama and pathos. Hours of this stuff.

    I guess it makes better tv watching that C-SPAN?

    How did you injure a bottle of aftershave?
  • Blogger Joke posted at 12:42 PM, March 08, 2007  
    The spray button cracked in two and became completely useless.

  • Blogger Tere posted at 3:59 PM, March 08, 2007  
    Well yes, it DOES make total sense to me. I'm like your wife in that way, and it doesn't make much sense to my husband, either.

    Between Discovery Health (conjoined twins! large tumors!) and A&E (The First 48, City Confidential, American Justice), I'm in heaven.
  • Blogger Badger posted at 4:55 PM, March 08, 2007  
    Well, in TFBYM's defense, I am 98% sure they put subliminal messages in those programs saying, "watch this or we'll do this to your kid."

    For reals.

    It's a double-x chromosome thing. You wouldn't understand.
  • Blogger Stomper Girl posted at 7:44 PM, March 08, 2007  
    I can't do too much recreationally morbid (which is a great label by the way). I'm too squeamish. I have to block my ears and cover my eyes if anyone so much as vomits on tv.
  • Blogger Sarah O. posted at 9:42 PM, March 08, 2007  
    First, I hope you bottle of aftershave is doing better.

    I love the medical freak shows, too. I sit in bed watching doctors cauterizing 250 pound tumors off tiny women and I think stuff like, "I wonder how that smells".
  • Blogger Poppy Buxom posted at 10:44 PM, March 08, 2007  
    You are all seriously strange.

    Me, I listen to Harry Potter on CD. And no, I'm not rooting for Voldemort. The very idea! Weirdos.
  • Blogger BabelBabe posted at 7:52 AM, March 09, 2007  
    i wish i had read this last night so i wouldn't have missed TLC defect night. I LOVE stuff like that; you should see the medical section of my library (my personal library, at my house). i have a feeling your wife and i would get on like a house afire. which we could later read about and make suitable sympathetic noises.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 7:57 AM, March 09, 2007  
    What's worse is when she tries to rope me in. "Honey, c'mere and see this! There's this kid and he was born inside out...the doctors are trying to staple his liver to his forehead."

    Some of these programs are more like Salvador Dalí having an acid trip than anything else.

  • Blogger Caro posted at 7:32 PM, March 09, 2007  
    I like those programs too. My husband will leave the room with his hand over his mouth.
  • Blogger MsCellania posted at 8:36 PM, March 09, 2007  
    Yeah; yer point?!

    And good for your wife for knowing what stuff in her pelvic floor feels like! So many women run around with growths the size of grapefruits in their innards, insisting that they're just 'a little tired'

  • Blogger meggie posted at 4:59 PM, March 10, 2007  
    It must be the female of the species thing... I LOVE seeing all those things. Also the 'someone stole old Peggy's liver' stories too.

    You can sometimes sustitute those spray buttons, with another similar.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 6:08 PM, March 10, 2007  

    It was the utter unavailability of "another similar" that was killing me.

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