I have been asked by one of you -- wishing to remain anonymous, for some reason -- to scribble down what are, for GREAT want of a better term, Joke-isms.

Some have traveled far via this blog, and some are more likely to be uttered than written. They all contain some kernel of what passes for my wisdom as accumulated through the years.

In the order in which I remember them:

"Stress is not an aerobic exercise."

"You have been relieved from all responsibility of enjoying your duty."

"Success in life is measured by results, not by process."

"You have not been granted the privilege to alter reality to suit your sense of the ideal."

"Once you are married, there pretty much aren't any good surprises."

"There is ALWAYS a way. The hard part is figuring it out."

"Difficult things take a lot of time. Impossible things take a bit longer."

"The people whose lives revolve around an internet forum are living proof of the limited practical applications of extremely high cognitive skills."

"Anxiety about your problems is like putting Cialis in the food supply of a rabbit colony."

"The first thing to do when you find yourself in a deep hole is to drop the shovel."

"You can't save everyone from themselves. But you can be far away when they turn into a fireball of flaming splinters."

"A day spent without laughter or serious thought was a damned waste of 24 hours. Which you'll never get back."

"There is a grave difference between involvement and committment."

"90% of everything sucks, and that's lowballing it."

"The only way to look at life and remain sane is as an optimistic cynic."

"Negative thoughts are like birds. It's not your fault if one lands on your head, it is your fault if it makes a nest there."

"There's enough misery out there to go looking for -- or worse, manufacturing -- more."

"The law of Unintended Consequences is the mother-in-law of your actions."

"If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be in any damned shape to take care of anyone. The strong can carry a lot of loads, the weak a few, the dead none."

"Be supportive. But not so supportive that people get comfy with the idea of not trying to fix the problem."

"Being unreasonable is only any good if you have perseverance."

"It's easier to get forgiveness than permission."

"Words have very specific meanings."

"75% of the feelings of guilt are there only to paralyze you."

"Learn to distinguish between being openminded and being idiocy-friendly."

"In any endeavor there are a million ways to @#$% up. If you're a genius you'll think of fifty."



Poppy Buxom said…
Stop it; you're scaring me. You're reminding me of those posters that keep trying to improve me. And I'm exhausted. The bird doo in aphorism #16 has more energy.
Badger said…
I demand you reveal to us the identity of this so-called anonymous person.
Stomper Girl said…
Well done for remembering all your words of wisdom. The leaking holes in my memory have let any I might have uttered be washed down the plug-hole.

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