Monday, January 14, 2008

Deranged, but with an explanation.

When we adjourned our last meeting, I had announced to the assembled my plans for a brick oven. I harbor no illusions (and you oughtn't, either) that I am doing this for any reason other than I think it's bewilderingly cool.

My baking skills are, at very best, "borderline adequate." Baking, in my experience, demands a set of traits which, in the Joke-ish bosom, are woefully underdeveloped. It requires a level of attentiveness -- and consistency of attentiveness, at that -- which I am not yet comfortable providing.

But I don't care.

I want one.

I also have masonry skills that are on the cusp of "nil" and "nonexistent." I don't have the slightest clue where in my back yard I'll place it or how (in)frequently I'll use it or how wildly off-budget this will be or how many* pizzas (pizze?) I would have to fire off in order for this to pay for itself or the unbelievable planning required to prepare something therein or even how likely I am to wake up, hospitalized with a brick lodged somewhere delicate upon my person and TFBIM in police custody. I haven't even considered the maintenance of the beast or where on earth I'm going to get enough wood to fuel the damned thing.

Something that heartens me is that others, equally unsuited and deeply unprepared, have managed to achieve this goal. It speaks to that atavistic clump of cells in my brain that revels in applying live fire to ingredients in order to transform them into food. I hope it doesn't speak to that atavistic clump of cells in my brain that dreams of dropping a successful medical practice to become a winemaker or leaving the stock exchange to start baking wedding cakes.

The lovely and gracious Kim noted that men generally do not allow a lack of skill to interfere with the pursuit of a project. In this case that is true, although in sharp contradistinction to some of my brethren, I am keenly aware that I have no such skills and/or it will probably pose a some measure of difficulty.
But I would wind up with something VERY cool.

Or, I'll wind up with a misshapen 3rd World concrete bird/vermin crematorium.

-J.

* The average artisanal pizza, baked by an Italian -- from Italy proper, not from Brooklyn -- runs $12 ovah heah.

Posted by Joke at 9:44 AM

10 Comments

  • Blogger Frogdancer posted at 2:50 PM, January 14, 2008  
    Yesterday I was innocently surfing the web and fell into some survivalist sites. (The perils of being on holidays with time to spare.) Just think.... with one of those oveny things you could be one of those families who survive the next war!! Or global warming. Or cooling. Or whatever the thing that will bring down civilisation as we know it. You'll be like Will Smith in I Am Legennd.

    Just you, waving your barbeque tongs, happily burning stuff....
  • Blogger Badger posted at 3:28 PM, January 14, 2008  
    So, are you going to put a little spit dealie in there for chickens? Or what? Because a restaurant near here cooks chickens in their brick ovens and they KICK ASS.
  • Blogger HEATHER posted at 4:02 PM, January 14, 2008  
    Again, I am in awe of you!
  • Blogger Joke posted at 10:04 PM, January 14, 2008  
    Badger - Hadn't thought of that, but it seems brilliant. I...I must think now.

    Heather - God bless you for being impressed even before I've done anything.

    -J.
  • Blogger Major Bedhead posted at 10:43 PM, January 14, 2008  
    I'm very glad my husband doesn't read this blog because that would be his next project and it would look pretty much exactly like figure b. and nothing like figure a.
  • Blogger bluemountainsmary posted at 5:46 AM, January 15, 2008  
    This just keeps getting better and better.
  • Blogger h&b posted at 7:59 AM, January 15, 2008  
    The husband tried his hand at bricklaying for the first time ever this year ( and he is by no means a 'handyman' ) and he did *terrific* .. in fact, he's now obsessed with concreting and bricking me new garden borders anywhere my heart desires.

    It's fantastic.

    Therefore, i proclaim this job:
    do-able.

    By you.
    Get to it.

    I have faith.
  • Blogger Kim posted at 8:02 AM, January 15, 2008  
    Yeah, good one badger, introduce the idea of building in some component that requires a MOTOR.

    Because I can see only good things coming from a backyard DIY project that requires fire and electricity.


    And J - if your bricklaying/builder skills reflect my crafting skills - you'll have an image of that first picture in your head and will end up with something closely resembling the second.

    Maybe Suse could knit you some pizzas?
  • Blogger Sarah O. posted at 10:05 AM, January 15, 2008  
    I say go for the brick oven design at the bottom. Give the neighbors something to talk about. Then bake them some bread in it and watch them shut up.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 1:27 PM, January 15, 2008  
    Lemony,

    The latter oven is something to fear, not to aspire. It looks like something disturbed teenagers would build to cremate small woodland creatures to which they have been especially unkind.

    And the opening is too small for a pizza.

    -J.
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