Sunday, February 17, 2008

Inappropriate.

One of the dangers of being a dad blogger is the near-certain minefield of discussing, um, Naughty Interpersonal Activities. Which is not to say I'm not a fan thereof; on the contrary, little delights me more than my beloved breaching the citadel of my husbandliness.

But, let's be honest, when a female discusses this -- up to a point, natch -- it's kind of alluring. Yes, even if the appearance of said blogger is mora akin to a fire hydrant with a moustache, it's alluring. Now, a veritable Adonis has a far more difficult task, with a far smaller margin of error. He too-openly declaims his enjoyment of a romp with Mrs. Adonis and, well, it can come off a bit creepy. (It does to me, and, after all, it's what I think that matters.)

It gets even more interesting when said blogger proclaims a crush, in public, involving (rather puzzlingly so) some celebrity whom few would have considered crushworthy. "I just melt when Joe Pesci/Michael Gambon/David Attenborough..." The polite thing to do is just chalk up such proclivities to now-banned artificial ingredients in baby food and move on.

But a blog is a confessional vehicle of sorts. One where a man may proudly stand and where he may declare that he, too, has crushes on people not many would have considered. Which is not to say those herein listed are not attractive, because they are. But attractiveness is only the very minimum requirement for admission.

So, as promised in no order whatever:

Davina McCall. She's benevolently shameless, and a bit silly, and a bit loud, and cute and funny*.

Bonnie Hunt, because she is relentlessly (something few people regardless of age or sex are) funny, and that is eminently crushworthy.

Nigella Lawson, not necessarily because I think her cooking is "all that" (although it is pretty decent) but rather because I could stand to have her read the phone book aloud night and day. Sometimes, when in a particularly lurid reverie, I imagine her breathily shouting in my ear something like "I'm arriving! I! Shall! Arrive!"

Jodie Kidd. A supermodel who'd rather drive race cars than develop an eating disorder? Nice.

Michelle Pfeiffer. Not in spite of her being 49. Because she's 49. This genius cheated on her and so she dumped him. True story.

Elle MacPherson. I have a thing for women who are fetching and wildly appealing while in their 40s. Oh, and she has an accent.

Uma Thurman. Yes, this is a surprise to me as well. But she looks much better now than she did in her mid-20s, which compensates a great deal.

Leelee Sobieski. Cute in armor, wields a sword tolerably well, and descended from the king of Poland who defeated the Muslims in the siege of Vienna, thereby sparing Europe from Islamofascism for about another 500 years, give or take.

Milla Jovovich. Cute in armor, wields a sword tolerably well, and descended from an anti-Communist Soviet dissident.

Keira Knightley. Shut up.

Lena Headey. She's aerodynamic and lissom, with something of an edge. Looks good in sepia-tone. The accent doesn't help her quite so much, and her vegetarianism definitely doesn't help so much.

Greta Scacchi. Another one of those "Dorian Gray" types.

Diane Lane. The thinking man's Jodie Foster.

Bettany Hughes. Who? She's (along with Victor Davis Hanson) one of the historians who served as advisors to 300. She's attractive and she's brilliant and she has an accent and she has a doctorate.

Barbara Lynch. Cute, superchef, patriotic and has a very Boston accent. (Little mascara wouldn't, y'know, kill her.)

Miranda Richardson. Brilliant actress and can do comedy, wherein she played the definitive Elizabeth I. Threatened Jeremy Irons with a butter knife in Lolita and looks good when she perspires. Also gets the Accent Bonus.

The one who played Penelope in Trading Places

Annabeth Gish. Granddaughter of Lillian Gish and just so damned cute.

Bernadette Peters. What lungs. (Wow, is she really 59?)

Elisabeth Shue. Good cheekbones and she's erudite.

...and there you have it.

-J.

* You'll notice this is a recurring theme.


Posted by Joke at 7:51 AM

19 Comments

  • OpenID olivespearls posted at 1:54 PM, February 17, 2008  
    Great list! I adore Diane Lane. She's on my, "If I had to cross-over..." list, along with Isabella Rossellini.
  • Blogger BabelBabe posted at 2:05 PM, February 17, 2008  
    KEIRA KNIGHTLEY?????

    also, I adore Jodie Foster. I also like Diane Lane. You cannot however get away with calling Lane the thinking man's Foster. apples and oranges, my dear.
  • Blogger Badger posted at 2:18 PM, February 17, 2008  
    Yeah, I'm with Babelbabe -- Keira Knightly? For real?! I don't ... okay, whatever.

    The best thing about this list, from my perspective, is that it leaves more Frances McDormand for me.

    Might have to fight you for Uma, though.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 2:22 PM, February 17, 2008  
    Keira Knightley is the thinking man's Kate Beckinsale.

    -J.
  • Blogger Poppy Buxom posted at 3:36 PM, February 17, 2008  
    I feel so soiled.

    What's next--a live video feed of you prancing around in a thong?

    At least I've never heard of 80 percent of the women in question.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 3:39 PM, February 17, 2008  
    Prancing? Heavens, no!

    More like "mincing."

    -J.
  • Blogger BreadBox posted at 5:11 PM, February 17, 2008  
    Miranda Richardson in fact should get multiple accent bonuses (boni?). She does multiple accents quite well. Not quite Julie Walters, but pretty darn good nonetheless....
    And I'm with BabelBabe on Jodie Foster.
    N.
  • Blogger Stomper Girl posted at 9:34 PM, February 17, 2008  
    I think I would have had to stop reading your blog if Miranda Richardson had not been on your list.
  • OpenID becandcall posted at 5:04 AM, February 18, 2008  
    Dude.

    Elle does too NOT have an accent.
  • Blogger Kim posted at 7:16 AM, February 18, 2008  
    I'm with Poppy.

    Who is hustling in on the absolute allconsuming girl crush I had reserved for Blackbird.


    And Keira would take an eye out with one of those hip bones... I mean, she's compelling to watch simply from the promise that she may snap in two at any given moment.
  • Blogger Major Bedhead posted at 12:49 AM, February 19, 2008  
    Keira Knightly looks like she needs to be force fed hamburgers. Lots and lots of hamburgers. Followed by fries and chocolate shakes. You can see the indentations on her sternum for god's sake.


    I'm totally with you on Nigella and Miranda, though. Yum. Add Helena Bonham Carter to the list and I'd be completely sold, and might even overlook your warped Keira Knightly thing.

    I have a girl crush on Dawn French.
  • Blogger Kim posted at 6:21 AM, February 19, 2008  
    Major Bedhead - who doesn't???!
  • Blogger Joke posted at 7:53 AM, February 19, 2008  
    As re. HBC...mmm....no....don't see that.

    -J.
  • Blogger Kim posted at 8:48 AM, February 20, 2008  
    What? DUDE, come on, think Room with a view.
    Granted, she's been partial to many a film in which her teeth are filthy, but she's a hottie dude. HOT TEE.

    And not quite as skeletal as Keira.

    But you know, it's your fantasy and all...
  • Blogger Joke posted at 10:03 AM, February 20, 2008  
    One's degree of skeletalness is, as my list will make plain, not a factor in my decision making process.

    However, my own peculiar tastes in facial structure are. And HBC's head is too, um, too...er...not quite my thing. He said diplomatically.

    -J.
  • Blogger Suse posted at 10:21 PM, February 20, 2008  
    Bettany Hughes is Nigella for archaeologists. Very yummy - likes to display her decolletage while fetchingly breathing into the camera.

    Is Diane Lane the one who was in that appalling Year in the Tuscan Sun thing? Cos if so I'd have to stop reading you Joke dear. As Stomper said, Miranda Richardson is your saving grace here.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 10:32 PM, February 20, 2008  
    I think of Diane Lane more as "the one who was in The Cotton Club."

    -J.
  • Blogger Major Bedhead posted at 11:25 PM, February 24, 2008  
    Mmmm, yes, Diane Lane in Cotton Club was delicious. Tuscan whatever? Not so much.

    I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with HBC's head. . . . Nope. Can't see it.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 3:27 PM, February 25, 2008  
    Hint: Too pumpkin-ish.

    -J.
  • Post a Comment

    « Home