Monday, May 19, 2008

Speaking for myself. UPDATED! (Slightly.)

By now you'll have seen this pseudo-meme (based on an Esquire article) at bb's and at Poppy's. They, being the bloggy half of their marriage, answered for their husbands. But I? I'll speak for myself, thankyouverymuch.

Here goes:

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
And get a free analogy with purchase.

2. Tell if someone is lying.
Oh, HELL yeah. I just assume everyone is lying. It's telling if someone is being truthful that I'm not so good at.

3. Take a photo.
Yeah. That way I don't have to pose.

4. Score a baseball game.
Not really.

5. Name a book that matters.
Hell yeah. I had a serious discussion over drinks regarding one of these (von Clausewitz's, IIRC) with Mr. Buxom and between the conversation and the drinks, we wound up meeting Poppy and her crew (quite) late for dinner.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
Yeah. But that's actually sad.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
Oh, please.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.
It's more a function of abhorrence of a vacuum. That's why I hang out with Poppy. She takes the burden off my shoulders.

9. Write a letter.
Duh.

10. Buy a suit.
Oh, PLEASE. You should hear me speaking tailorese.

11. Swim three different strokes.
Four if you count the frog-kick. Not WELL, mind you, and my butterfly is a sad and pitiful thing.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
I can show respect beautifully. Not honestly, mind you, but beautifully.

13. Throw a punch.
Yes. But I was 15 the last time this knowledge was used.

14. Chop down a tree.
Up to a point. Beyond that, I become a checkbook lumberjack.

15. Calculate square footage.
Yeah. What's the big deal?

16. Tie a bow tie.
I'm a sort of surrogate mother for bow tie wearers.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.
Several, but due to the civilizing influence of Mme. Buxom, I know to stick to Planter's Punch.

18. Speak a foreign language.
Mm-hmm. (Universal)

19. Approach a woman out of his league.
I married one.

20. Sew a button.
My grandfather was a tailor, so this sort of thing runs deep.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
This is a trick question, you can't argue with an European. As someone who does business with a decent cross-section of them, I can safely say an argumentative European is about as insufferable an example of humanity as can be managed with the standard number of chromosomes.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it.
a) See #19.
b) Remember my wife, who has recourse to firearms, has yet to shoot me.
(This reminds me of the joke, the punchline to which is: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?")

23. Be loyal.
Pathologically.

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
Uh huh.

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.
If I knew what an eighpenny nail was, sure.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
Shrieking? Please.

27. Play gin with an old guy.
Gin? I'd play poker with an old guy and take some of his pension, but not gin.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.
Well enough, yes. Not that a quarter (or, indeed, any currency) will pass straight through the table whenever I drop it.

30. Feign interest.
Those who can't are invariably repackaged as "ex-husbands" pretty quickly. I feign a beautiful interest.

31. Make a bed.
Yeah, but not voluntarily.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.
Sometimes the damned thing IS oaky, you cretin...and all wines have some kind of finish. What a maroon. (It was at this point I realized the list and its author was a twerp of the first water.)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
I can make the cue ball jump...now, whether it does what I meant it to do is another matter entirely.

34. Dress a wound.
I think so.

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil.
a) Ha! I drive stick shift, I don't have to jump start my car.
b) Yes.
c) If I had to, but why would I, when I can pay someone to do it less than the equivalent amount of my time is worth?

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.
Nope. Dunno, don't care and I have better places to abandon my money than a casino.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
Yeah.

38. Tell a joke.
Yeah, but jokes are the lowest form of humor.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
See #36.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
Yes, because I think like an eight-year-old.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
Yeah, but I hate to get to that point.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
"Bark at me, or smell me in an untoward manner and you will bitterly remember the day you got 'fixed'."

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
Done all three. Now I am secure enough in my masculinity to pay someone to do it for me, because doing those sorts of things suck.

44. Ask for help.
Why?

45. Break another man's grip on his wrist.
Whoa. I'm not into that kinda stuff.

46. Tell a woman's dress size.
I know two: My wife's and "You don't look deformed."

47. Recite one poem from memory.
Yeah. When the objects of your affections are the girls populating the English Dept. this sort of thing comes in very, very handy. (These days all that's left intact are "The Walrus & The Carpenter" and "The Vogon's Poem")

48. Remove a stain.
Sadly, yes. Lessons learned the hard way.

49. Say no.
Rarely, but it happens. (Less rare if it's my kids we're talking about.)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
Big deal. It's "over-easy" that's the challenge.

51. Build a campfire.
That would entail camping, which is the eternal torment you must endure in Hell. I can do something similar in a fireplace, which -- whew! -- entails not camping.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
Yes, usually out of an odd mix of anger and frustration. But always aware that nobody wants to do it for a reason.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
Yes, but I desperately, desperately hate it. Afterwards I am useless until I recuperate; takes it out of me, I tell you.

54. Break up a fight.
Sure, you call the cops.

55. Point to the north at any time.
Why?

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
Why? (This sort of skill fairly screams "sad and desperate.")

57. Explain what a light-year is.
Yeah.

58. Avoid boredom.
Not at all, sadly. I am so frequently bored that being entertained sometimes startles me.

59. Write a thank-you note.
Yes. Punctually, as well.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
Do cars count?

61. Cook bacon.
Every Sunday.

62. Hold a baby.
Two, so far.

63. Deliver a eulogy.
Do I have to show respect?

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
He wasn't. Only revisionist enuretics think so. (Now, Pizarro, Cortés, et al....)

65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.
Maybe, yes, no.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Why the Hell would I be in the woods in the first place?

69. Tie a knot.
From my sailing days, yes.

70. Shake hands.
Uh huh.

71. Iron a shirt.
Sure, but there's more to it than meets the eye.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
Yes, and the idiot in the article got it WRONG. You need:

Fan belt
Brake pads and caliper & cylinder seals
Ignition coil
Wheel bearings & seals
Gaskets
Coolant hoses & coolant
Oil & filter
Spark plugs & wires
Speedometer cable
Turn signal lightbulbs
Fire Extinguisher
Warning triangles and flares
Flashlight
1st aid kit
Toolbox

Fortunately my cars have all come with a smallish leather case containing all of these.

73. Caress a woman's neck.
Which woman?

74. Know some birds.
Yes. (Birds? WHY?)

75. Negotiate a better price.
Yes, but sweet God in His Heaven do I hate it.

There. Now you know.

-J.

Posted by Joke at 10:36 PM

8 Comments

  • Blogger Stomper Girl posted at 12:49 AM, May 20, 2008  
    The chequebook lumberjack is very. VERY. funny.
  • Blogger blackbird posted at 8:21 AM, May 20, 2008  
    I knew you'd handle it well.

    SHEESH - sue me for lacking material why don't they...
  • Blogger Joke posted at 8:31 AM, May 20, 2008  
    Don't sell yourself short, bb! You did really well in meme-ing this list.

    -J.
  • Blogger alice posted at 8:38 PM, May 20, 2008  
    72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.

    Mobile Phone.

    Thus endeth the emergency.
  • Blogger BabelBabe posted at 8:09 PM, May 21, 2008  
    i can hammer the nail and shoot a reliable jumpshot. so you, Mr Buxom, and/or K can borrow me any time any of you needs. as long as you'll mix my Planter's Punch and tell me if my mechanic is lying....
  • Blogger Joke posted at 7:11 AM, May 22, 2008  
    Alice, I used to think that...until I was stranded in an area with no reception.

    BabBab, I have no problem with the nail, other than I have no idea what an eightpenny nail is, or even if it costs eight pennies.

    And your mechanic is lying. In fact, when you walk up to him and he says "Hi, there." he is lying.

    -J.
  • Blogger Joke posted at 9:29 AM, May 22, 2008  
    P.S. The problem with a jumpshot is that it involves basketball, as loathsome a sport as can be imagined.
  • Blogger BreadBox posted at 10:44 PM, May 24, 2008  
    #32 ; Grassy, redolent of mouse droppings.

    N.
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