Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Out of the blue, and yet unrelated to anything.

What are the collective thoughts of the herein assembled on jinxing things by speaking of them prematurely?

-J.

Posted by Joke at 3:06 PM 12 comments

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Personality Flaws: My Own Personal Flavor of Curse

It may come to some of you as a bit of a shock -- a jar, even -- but I have some rather outsize flaws.

No, really.

One such flaw is a predisposition for things to match, be symmetrical, complementary. File that away.

Anyway, a while ago I got a set of dinnerware on hyperclearance -- the cost was much closer to "free" than its original price which, considering we're talking Williams-Sonoma, was tooth-rattlingly high -- that I thought would be ideal for spring-ish (Mother's Day, Father's Day, several April birthdays) or Easter-ish fêtes. Fine. I effected purchase and walked out laden with all manner of plates, saucers, mugs and a barely lighter wallet. I was pleased.

As I have since found out, another of my manifold flaws is a natural predisposition for a state of mind described, for want of a better term, as smugness. I don't swan amout smugly, of course, but I am very smug about my capacity to be smug on the inside. Hubris, if you catch my drift.

But hubris breeds nemesis, as I have also found out. Nemesis and self don't quite get along as well. Pride goeth before a fall* and the like.

In this case, it was manifested by my realizing that I had espresso drinkers in the census. Whenever we had people for any of the abovesaid fêtes, the strength of the company...a veritable majority of the fêtards...aligned themselves among those who prefer their caffeine without the dulling effects of supernumerary fluid ounces of water.

And I had no matching vessels to offer.

Which peeved me. It peeved nobody else, but it peeved me. I was tempted to mention this to my beloved, but pretty much all notions along these lines are met with Olympic caliber eye-rolling. So I withheld my speech. But for years -- yes, years...sad, I know -- I kept my eyes open for these.

One day, as I was chancing through eBay there they were. The matching espresso cups and saucers. On eBay. Not cheap** mind you. Not even cheap-ish. But it was a fair price. I put on my watch list, torn because the price wasn't as low as I would have preferred. In my trauma I neglected to heed the "Make Best Offer" option. When I returned to wrestle with my dueling dilemmæ, it had been bought for a "Best Offer."

So now, I must return, with wounded pride, to stalking these elusive vessels. Likely for another 3-4 years.

Now you know why my life is a meaningless nightmare of despair.

-J.

* Actually, it's "Pride goeth before a destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

** In fact, the espresso set was on offer for as much as the whole set of dishes, etc. had cost me. This posed another dilemma as another of my flaws is, er, pathological frugality.

Posted by Joke at 11:42 AM 12 comments

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A brief, temporary, break in the clouds.

Earlier today, the lovely and gracious BabBab texted me, gloating "I scored KFP* Coke."

I leapt into action.

Well, into my car, at any rate. Apparently KFP Coke had hit the streets -- at least the streets ovah heah -- today. I wasn't alone.

Getting to the supah market after braving horrible traffic, I sprinted into the soft drink aisle. The KFP section had been decimated, as if a pack of thirsty locusts (more than one of whom would likely be a Gentile, I'm certain) had been by. There were but THREE left.

So at least I have three 2L bottles. Cans or the small glass bottles would have been preferable, but beggahs can't be choosahs.

Therefore, for a brief, shining moment, life was good.

-J.

* Kosher For Passover, meaning it's not sweetened by the vile, subsidized, corn syrup and instead by protectionism-tariff pure cane sugar.

Posted by Joke at 7:24 PM 11 comments

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"It's kinda crazy, but it just might work."

This unscheduled update is to let the Internet know that there is a slim chance that a near-miracle just might befall me.

Manna-from-Heaven-type of scenario. I'd tell you what it is but it's so bizarre and improbable you wouldn't believe it. (My wife, who has been apprised of all the details, doesn't believe it.)

So archive that.

If it pans out, wherever you are you will hear my whooping. Krakatoa will be a library whisper in comparison.

As you were.

-J.

Posted by Joke at 10:03 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Things one doesn't think about if one is from here and not from there.

This year, in sharp contradistinction to the last few, I didn't have the opportunity to fly towards wintry climes to confer* with the northerly clientele.

Which worked out very well in one respect. I missed the global cooling everyone has been carping about since 1975 manifesting itself with ridiculously low temperatures. Which is good because I have a problem with my overcoat.

A problem, I assure you, strictly of my own making.

Mind you, it's a terrific overcoat. Well made, lovely Harris tweed, warm, durable, timelessly styled.

But it barely fits me.

Not for the reasons one might assume -- although there is a trace element of that -- but because I am foolish and naive.

Y'see, when I realized that I would have to trudge in temperatures far cooler than those commonly seen in the Fringe O' Paradise while the outer man was arrayed in a professional manner, it dawned on me that I couldn't very well traipse into highrise office buildings and posh boardrooms wearing my Shackletonesque parka over the refined gentlemen's apparel. I needed a proper overcoat.

So I went and tried on a few one summer day -- figuring this'd be the way to get the very best prices. Only I went shopping attired in the way I normally go when it's 98F/438C: in shorts and a t-shirt.

The upshot? The coat which drapes and fits regally when I wear but a t-shirt feels, when I am in a suit, like I am in a nest of boa constrictors who are all tripping on ecstasy.

So now it's off to eBay.

-J.

* They didn't need me face to face to know everything had imploded and the best advice would be to flee to the hills with nonperishable foodstuff and firearms.

Posted by Joke at 3:58 PM 6 comments

Monday, March 23, 2009

Keep in mind...

...the light at the end of the tunnel, which is still there, is still waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there.

And the tunnel has very difficult footing.

(I didn't the perennial optimists in the crowd to get too worked up just yet.)

-J.

Posted by Joke at 9:20 AM 4 comments

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes. There seems to be one. I think I see it from here.

[insert loud sounds of a well-dressed man knocking furiously on wood]

However,

1- The light is still pretty
a) dim
b) far
2- The tunnel is
a) VERY long
b) VERY dark
c) Riddled with spikes, pitfalls, quicksand, booby traps, and that big ol' Indiana Jones boulder.

That all being said, many of you have been spectacular throughout this mess. (More on that anon.) You will all be awarded the Joke Medal of Hono(u)r just as soon as I can design it.

As you were.

-J.

Posted by Joke at 5:23 PM 11 comments

Monday, March 09, 2009

My thoughts, perfectly crystallized

From the "I-wish-I-had-written-this-Dept.":

http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/03/im-all-twitter.html

-J.

Posted by Joke at 9:47 AM 6 comments

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Oh, it gets better

Daylight Savings #$%&ing Time.

I need a chocolatemochatini.

-J.

Posted by Joke at 8:45 PM 3 comments

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Like Twitter, only different.

In the name of all that's holy, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop it with the "-tini" drinks.

I thank you.

Posted by Joke at 1:43 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Might as well get some bloggery in.

Before you ask, let me tell you that things are now sucking 0.0001% less. So keep up all the thoughts, prayers, dowsing, etc.

Now.

The real point of this entry is my frustration with Google and its lesser search engine siblings. I'm looking for ____, the main aspects of which are, say, Thing One, Thing Two and Thing Three. So I type same.

"Thing One,"
"Thing Two"
and
"Thing Three"

Naturally, I get search results that have NOTHING to do with what I want, directing me to places where gentlemen -- and I use the term advisedly -- residing in Liverpool may go to don ladies undergarments and be spanked by a matronly sort dressed as the more violent sort of marsupial...or...some website which explains some conspiracy theory regarding how albino snipers from the Vatican are affecting the global climate. In short, colossal wastes of my time which bear a remarkable lack of similarity to what I need.

I suspect there is search engine voodoo at work; either that or there is serious government involvement...nothing can be this appallingly useless without Satanic Forces being hard at work or without earnest gummint efforts* to improve things.

ANOTHER thing that has been irritating me of late is the fact that whenever I discover some interesting cut of beef (vegetarians in the crowd may go off for some well deserved rest at this point) six months later some highly-regarded food writer discovers it and the secret is out. And I'm scrod.

It happened with** flank, then skirt, then flatiron, then flap steak, then chuck shoulder. A year ago ____ used to run $3/lb., and then some food fad (fajitas, bulgogi, churrasco) strikes and next thing you know, it's pretty much 2½ times pricier.

Finally, Sarah Silverman is not that funny. Kinda cute, sure, but not that funny.

Glad to vent at you.

-J.
* Cynical people -- not I, natch, but cynical people -- would say this is redundant.
** These are USA terms; quite possibly region-specific at that...sorry.

Posted by Joke at 5:23 PM 13 comments