News to me.

Dear Internet,

You weren't around back then, but I had a relatively easy puberty. One day I was a happy child playing with the chattels of childhood typical for the time and place, and the next day I woke up with an amazing lack of desire for these, replaced by a new and more enlightened view on girls.

And a rather disturbing and unexpected follicular flourish under my arms.

But other than the sudden obsession with girls and my active disinterest in the decently-sized collection of the toymaker's art, everything else remained pretty much the same. I still holed up in my room as I had always done, I still devoured books by the bushel, and I still pursued rather odd little hobbies.

I didn't have one of those boyish puberties that involve jockeying for Alpha male status, as one sees on nature documentaries. I didn't even back-talk -- possibly because I was in my room reading and nobody came to issue conversational volleys for me to return -- or otherwise make much of a nuisance. I also strategized on how I could best assure that my efforts* in the girl dept. were repaid handsomely.

I only had a sister and, unless I have been the victim of a practical joke, sisters tend to have an entirely different pubertical experience to boys.

So, basically, I am somewhat unprepared for NOS's first, experimental free-sample, travel-sized delivery of testosterone. Which will only increase with time, I expect.

What puzzles me (for now, I am sure other stuff will come along to puzzle me even more) are the questions he has reserved for me, the dad. (What questions he may have -- or even whether he has any -- for Mother are as yet a sealed book to me.)

NOS: (watching some program on TV) Dad, do you think [insert name of 20something actress] is hot?
Me: (looking up from some work stuff) She does look feverish...

The correct answer is "She looks as if she has taken more than once cycle of antibiotics in her life."

or, better yet,

NOS: (entering into my den) Dad...how do you pick up girls?
Me: Not with anything you get in an email message.

The correct answer is "Not with the intermittent and abbreviated shower regimen you've developed as a habit."


You see what I am dealing with?

-J.

* The initial efforts went over as well as Wile E. Coyote's more elaborate stratagems.

Comments

Mean Mama said…
Of ALL people, I am shocked you missed the chance to deliver your theme song to NOS!


Sharp Dressed Man lyrics
Songwriters: Gibbons, William; Hill, Joe Michael; Beard, Frank;
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie
I don't need a reason why

They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

Gold watch, diamond ring
I ain't missin' not a single thing
And cufflinks, stick pin
When I step out I'm gonna do you in

They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

Top coat, top hat
Well I don't worry 'cause my wallet's fat
Black shades, white gloves
Lookin' sharp and lookin' for love

They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

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