No, really, I'm touched.

Dear Internet,

As long as you've known me -- coming up on 20 years dating back to the ol' Prodigy service -- you've known me to be a contrarian and something of a slothful one at that. But even I know that all those "It Gets Better" things that are humming all over the web simply canNOT be about the new TSA security measures.

I've refrained from commenting on these. I think it best to experience things first, er, hand.

As a recent flyer, I now feel sufficiently experienced to comment.

The choices presented to me were, as far as I could tell, the following:

1- Submit to surly molesters,


2- Submit to voyeurs armed with radioactivity

My choice? The surly molesters. Because someone in a now-tight polyester uniform can't give you cancer.

The alternative to the Chernobyl Foto Booth is the "enhanced pat down" or what some people have called "gate rape." Had I been 16 and the TSA patter-downer been that girl on whom I had a crush at the age of 16, I would have been pretty well delighted.

But I was not, and he was not and so I was displeased. Let's just say that, at THEIR discretion they are...uh..."free to move about the cabin."

The lesser angels of my nature were tempted to add levity to the situation.

Should I arch my back and pout?

Should I do my impression of Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally?

Should I quietly hum something from the "chick-a-chick-a-bow-bow" school of musical expression?

Should I warn them that "items may have shifted during takeoff?"

Should I wear bubble-wrap undergarments? Or conceal a squeaky toy about my person?

If I enjoyed it, would they let me get in line again?

In the end, I decided to "lie back and think of England" as a someone (whose qualifications seem to have been that he can lift 70lb. and has a high school diploma or equivalent) was allowed to reach what, in more innocent times, was considered "third base." (Readers whose base of experience does not cover baseball terminology shall have to get an explanation from a less decorous person than I.)

Just wait. Eventually we'll all fly naked and without any luggage.



Caro said…
Oh yuck. If we ever go back to Maine again, I am now convinced we are driving.
Paola said…
That's one thing I fear as the last time I flew was 2008 and when flying to/within the US it's ALWAYS worse.
Can't wait.
Joke said…
Flying back from Europe was a different experience. It seems they look for people, not things.

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