The Bridal Registry Story

Since we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary (Polymer, I believe) I think it appropriate to tell the tale of what should have been a clear warning to my now-wife of what she was about to enter, i.e. a lifelong covenant with the likes of me.

Many of her friends had gotten married by the time we decided to get all nuptial, and married recently enough that their tribulations were fresh in their minds and fresher in their conversations. One recurring theme was the non-participation of the groom-to-be.

"Bob won't do X"
"Jeff won't go to any Y"
"I can't get Fred to Z."
"Jack keeps postponing talking about ____."

And so forth.

And so on.

So, my beloved, with these admonitions fresh in her impressionable mind, decided to invite me to the Bridal Registry. I hadn't considered it in the least, but I said that was fine (that, in itself should have been a warning) and off we went to the Big Fancy Department Store; since swallowed up by the Large But Downmarket Department Store Conglomerate. We met with the Bridal Coordinator who eyeballed me with that look of "Who let an icky BOY in here???" and handed us a clipboard with things to fill out as we decided on towels, plates, etc.

That was when the trouble started.

My beloved, for those of you who couldn't be bothered to pay attention, has tastes most accurately described as running the spectrum from Baroque to Rococo. Ornamentation is viewed from the perspective that more is better and too much is just right.

Scrolls, foliations, gadroon borders, assorted flourishes, gilding, etc. are all the very barest minimum.

Me? Think Bauhaus, post-modernism, Arts & Crafts.

So there was a discrepancy when the time came to select items to list.

My beloved would hold up an X and not only did I dislike it -- for wives have developed, for evolutionary purposes, I suppose, a knack for selecting things their husbands dislike -- but I commented acidly on them."How about this accent piece?" she'd ask innocently.

"It looks like something a gladiator would use to hang a towel."

or

"What do you think of this china pattern?"
"That's for shooting skeet at Versailles."

or

"What about this stemware?"
"If we have that in our house, people will assume we go into the pool with jewelry."

or

"I like these towels."
"If Aladdin comes by, he'll think he can use them to fly."

And so forth.

Oh, how the arguments ensued!

I am pleased to say my record was a Pyrrhic 10-1-5. I won the everyday china (BIA Cordon Bleu, plain white) because this is the one that had every configuration, from gratin dishes to mini ramekins for dipping sauces, everyday flatware (Oneida Distinction, but they keep changing the name) because they had everything from serving pieces to oyster forks, and stem/glassware (Bormioli Michelangelo and Strauss
, respectively) because -- you guessed it! -- they had all the various sizes and configurations, from shot glasses to snifters.

We settled on the "nice" china, and "nice" sterling flatware, and I lost the "nice" crystal argument.

She's never asked me to help her pick out anything since.

Comments

Frogdancer said…
Oh wow.
I had the exact same glasses given when I was married. I haven't seen that package in YEARS!!
Just popped back to say - it's funny how some things in life stay forever familiar.
JMG said…
Yes, Mme. Frogdancer! Too true.

Popular Posts