Milestones in idiocy.

Among my many stops in the search for edibles with which to feed my family, I detour every couple of weeks into my local Wholesale Discount Mega Warehouse. For those of you who are maladjusted, this sort of establishment is one where you can buy items only in enormous quantities. Beer is only sold by the case, sugar and flour in 20lb. bags, butter in 4 1lb. blocks, spaghetti by the gross...that sort of thing. Not every thing they carry is Super Foodie Grade A, but a lot of the stuff they do carry is and in those cases, their prices (on a per unit basis, anyway) are absurdly low, which appeals to my foodie and my cheapskate sides.

Anyway.

One day, on or about spring 2000, I went there to get, among other things some foil. I didn't think anything of the box I had grabbed -- I noted it was a touch heavy -- as my mind was elsewhere. It wasn't until I had gotten home and unpacked that my beloved asked me "What in the Hell is this?" I suspected the answer she passionately sought was not "Foil." With the insight I had gathered about women in general and my wife in particular, I held my peace.

Instead, I replied in the age-old safest way for a husband to reply when he has no idea* what his adored object is driving at: with an innocent question. "What do you mean?"

"Just look at it!" Which I took to mean that I was supposed to arrive at some insight she wished me to arrive, as opposed to actually staring at the item.

She then pried the box open to reveal an enormous roll of foil. Enormous scarcely covers it. I beheld 20lb. of tightly rolled alumin(i)um. In my idiocy I assumed the larger-than-usual box meant there were two "regular" rolls somehow stored therein. No. One massive roll.

Yes. It proved an inconvenience when we moved from Starter Home to Fallback House during the summer of 2004, lugging this log of foil. However, I am proud to say that in 8 years, we have never needed to buy a roll of foil, cutting down the number of cardboard tubes endangering our planet** by as much as 93%.Even better, by my rough guesstimate, we still have 40% of the roll still with us (when it was new, the edge of the roll extended flush with the edge of the frame which held same). Some quick work on the calculator shows we have zero to worry about, in relation to our foil needs, until the year 2013.Did I mention the unnaturally sharp cutting edge? The ridiculous 24"/60cm width? The fact I could use it to cover the floor of our garage? Twice? With enough left over to use in the kitchen.

Still, here we are.

-J.

* For some reason, starting off with something along the lines of "You lunatic, why did you buy a 20lb roll of foil?" and proceeding conversationally therefrom never crossed her mind.

** I've seen -- I'm sure you have also -- recycled foil. Setting aside the product's characteristics, which more closely resemble gauze or bathroom tissue for the Wizard of Oz's Tin Man than anything remotely useful in the kitchen, I am at a loss to explain why something which allegedly uses 95% less energy AND is made from recycled (which is presumably stuff that has been discarded) alumin(i)um costs 50% over the stuff that has to be dug from the earth and processed using the full whack of energy.