Not Necessarily How To Get The Girl Of Your Dreams

A few months back, a pretty neat book on business came out entitled (something like) It's Not The Big That Eat The Little, It's The Fast That Eat The Slow. This is a concept which, while I never had encapsulated for me like that, I often applied to my social pursuits when I was a carefree bachelor. Back then, while I may have been handsome-enough, there were others whose handsomeness exceeded my own, and whose allowances afforded them more of an opportunity to readily dazzle.

But I had to use my animal cunning and also to apply some of the principles I had absorbed in the course being a business major, in order for me to meet with success in the face of serious competition.

1- Select a target market in which you have a reasonable expectation of success
2- Understand your target market's needs
3- Understand your target market's wants
4- Understand your target market's behavior patterns
5- Understand your target market's history, insofar as you can
6- Learn how to determine an individual's belonging to the target market (This is key)
7- Understand your strengths and weaknesses (This is likewise key)

In my case, I quickly figured out the most welcoming territory (in military parlance, " a target-rich environment") was the English Dept. and the female students who populated its rolls. Why?
1- Most of the girls there were a sensitive* sort (which complemented the fact I am a genuinely nice, and caring person)
2- Most of the girls there had a fondness for verbal ability (which worked well, seeing as how I was bringing a particularly nice Jesuit school vocabulary, writing skill and conversational ability to bear on the matter)
3- Most of the girls there appreciated someone with a keen knowledge of literature (of which I was the proud possessor) especially if this was wholly unexpected of that someone on account of his being, say, a finance major. The element of pleasant surprise cannot be overstated. If a guy majoring in English could rattle off Yeats that's no great shakes, that's expected; but a "business guy" declaiming Othello or knowledgeably discussing e.e. cummings immediately showed depths of which the target market was inordinately fond.
4- Most of the girls there were not overly swayed by flaunted wealth. Sure, they liked to have some of the niceties of college life and appreciated a guy who didn't have to forage through the sofa cushions for the change required by the dorm's coin operated laundry machine, but a Corvette and gold chains were lost on them.

From there, one has to whittle one's prospects. Those who were married or engaged or "back in school now that the kids left home" were not considered. Those whose physiognomy was not coincident with my preferences were likewise allowed to remain undisturbed. Those who had an argumentative or pushy streak were, frankly, shunned. Smokers were pretty much shunned also, unless they had some impressively compensatory traits. Those who read REALLY depressing poetry were treated with great concern, since it was not unreasonable to imagine them glamorizing suicide and to be perfectly honest, I have an aversion to having to dial 9-1-1 or zooming to the ER or, in a worst-case-scenario having a pickaxe going through my door because she "just wanted to say good night." (The latter actually did happen to a friend of mine.)

Then, having determined those who were not to be in the running, the logical thing would be to focus on those candidates whose life circumstances and/or personality traits would make them more receptive to one's approach. I must be perfectly clear that, quite often, I didn't (and still don't) know why belonging to a certain category made someone more amenable to my entreaties--and ascertaining why would take a different sort of person--but I was sufficiently pleased to have determined the correlation. Among these were:

a) Women who took public transportation

b) Women whose parents divorced (This, now that I see it written--by me no less!--strikes me as calculating, heartless and mercenary. I freely admit I was not, in my Wilderness Years, an even remotely competent arbiter of goodness and decency and morality. In fact, I had a calculating streak that is only now sort of under some semblance of control.)

c) Women who seemingly went out of their way to make me laugh and thought me funny

d) Women who knew dialogue from movies, in particular, movies which were not "chick flicks."

e) Women who worked as waitresses. NEVER anyone who was waiting on me, because that would be crass and vile and base. But those who were doing a stint as a waitress always proved to be--for some reason--particularly responsive.

f) Women who had a long record of going out with idiots. Not only did they appreciate the refreshing change of anyone who was kind, funny and smart, but they inevitably grew tired of anyone who was not an idiot and eventually did the leaving, the better to return to their calling: dating idiots.

Another interesting subtype is the Breakout Rebel. She's the person who reminds you of the girl in the song "The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks" by The Eagles. Having grown up in a (thinks she) constricting and suffocating environment, she goes on a tear while at college. Usually she was an athletic sort, from a rather strict sort of Evangelical/Fundamentalist (I've also heard--but cannot attest--Mormon) home. While in HS, she didn't want to go completely ape while her parents were watching, but once she was outside their supervision, she took the opportunity to "step out high, broad and handsome." The impulse to make up for lost time combined with a searing curiosity has a great appeal...but can also prove dangerous.

The one last thing I learned (and it has to be learned on one's own) is that at every decent-sized party one attends there will be one (VERRRRY rarely, two) woman who is going with the express purpose of leaving the party, for the comfort of her own apartment, as quickly as possible with a suitable escort for company that evening. Quite often, this woman, regardless of her own manifold qualities, will settle for whomever materializes first and seems compatible with her plans. This, clearly, mitigates any charm that one could bring to bear. So it is crucial, therefore, to spot this individual quickly and establish communications with her.

Lastly, I want to draw a sharp distinction between being calculating and being manipulative. The latter is someone who gets someone else to do things that someone else might not have wanted to do. Which is loathsome. Calculating is establishing a coldly effective system for seeking out and locating someone who is amenable to your plans.

-J.

* The ones who masked their sensitivity with sarcasm, whimsy, etc. were a subspecies especially amenable to my personality.