So, you're, um wondering why...
...if I am dog-ass tired, I am still up at 2:xx a.m.?
The short answer is that I am not a normal person.
First, let me explain why I am dog-ass tired.
Tomorrow is one of THE highlights in the SoFla petrosexual calendar: The Collier Automotive Collection is having a fundraiser for some charity or another and I scored us a pair of tix. By way of background, Naples (FL) is the 5th most affluent city in the USA and was started by a guy named Barron Collier, a great pal of Henry Ford and Tom Edison. His sons, not really needing any cash to get through life quite comfortably thankyouverymuch, developed an affinity for the pursuits of gentlemen of leisure in the postwar world, including Big Deal Racing. They managed to hook up with a pal from Yale (Back when Yalies were far more interested in doing useful things) and went off racing to Le Mans a few times. The net result of all this is they amassed a colossal automotive collection* which is not open to the public. Infact this is such a rare treat, I'd go even if it was an event hosted by Noam Chomsky to raise money for Howard Dean's Low Carb Freeze Dried Pudding. Yes, the collection is THAT good.
Now, you can't just pull up to this--if you want to be taken serious in petrosexual circles, anyway--in your wife's minivan. You have to take your "good car" which strikes TFBIM as an odd descriptor sincethis is the car without power steering, power brakes, power windows, a really loud exhaust, verysnug seats, a synchronizer-free stick shift transmission and a suspension that'd rattle any fillings loose. Because there will be other cars going in caravan with you, and some of these are serious cars and you just can't bear to look like a schlep in a minivan in a parade of Maseratis, Ferraris, Lamborghinis and other etceterinis. At least I can't, wich explains my petrosexuality.
And you can't just take your good car out of the driveway or garage and just go, any more than TFBIM would go to a Poppy event without makeup. You have to get it all prettied up. As Blackbird well knows from having a similarly afflicted brother, this is A Complex Procedure, no mere carwash here, thanks.
Let me detail** for those of you who are not tribespersons, what the procedure entails. (To give Poppy a little frisson, I'll do this in the 2nd person)
You start by getting your car washing hose. This is different in many respects from the hose your spouse uses to water the azaleas, roses and other plants with names you confuse with those of Roman Empresses. You've gotten so tired of the disconnect/reconnect thing that you've actually bought a quick-connect coupler. In this case, you'd be using "the curly hose" which is a hose that coils up when you're done with it and makes storage (and hiding it from your covetous spouse) all that much easier. You also need a bucket, like the ones house painters use, clear, so you can detect if you have contaminated your soapy water with dirt. Which is bad.
You fill said bucket not-quite-halfway-up and then you pour in about 2 jiggers of your car wash detergent. If you did it bassackwards, you'd end up with a bucketful of bubbles...which is counterproductive, not the least of which is because your kids want to play with the bubbles now. Anyway the whole driveway area now smells like suntan lotion because the detergent isn't one of those cheapo brands you get at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], but rather something from a catalog(ue) and has been specially formulated for a certain type of paint.
Then you hose down your car (put your special hose's super-special NASA-grade nozzle on "mist") because the car mustbe wet when you start, lest you drag "unencapsulated dirt" all over your paint and cause "swirl marks" which are bad. You then don the sheepskin mitt, which sounds like something from the back pages of an old Frederick's of Hollywood (uh oh, there goes Google) catalog, but is actually the only way to properly apply soapy water to your car.
And you start lathering. The thing to do is start lathering a small section--beginning with the roof--and then, with your special hose's super-special NASA-grade nozzle on "fan," you rinse off the section you just lathered. Then you move to the next section. Then you get out the special undercarriage brush and get in inside the wheel wells. Then, of course, you get your special wheel brush (totally different brush, mind you) and clean your wheels. (If you are someone who only has taken your car through the car wash thingy at the gas station, your wheels are likely filthy, and possibly deteriorating from the corrosive effects of brake dust...you will probably need a wheel cleaner to do the job right)
You now need to dry the car. This requires a chamois (natural or synthetic) and you must be VERRRRRY careful you didn't miss a spot with the wash mitt, because you'll drag dirt around, creating fine scratches (i.e., "swirl marks" the car equivalent to wrinkles) on your paint. Now examine your paint. It should feel all smooth and slick even if it's dry. If it doesn't--it probably won't--you need to "clay" the paint. This requires a special clay and your bottle of detailing spray. You flatten the clay until it looks the size of a raw hamburger, you mist a section of your car with that detailing spray and you rub the clay on the paint. You'll be amazed at the weird crap that sticks to the clay. Now, of course, you are all set to get a-waxin'.
You wax using a wax that is rife with carnauba and not some crap you bought at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting] that promises to make your car laser-proof or as rugged as an armadillo with dry skin. You smell it and it smells like tropical destination's tourist boards want you to think their beaches smell. You also need a couple of microfiber towels. In different colors. One is for wiping on the other for wiping off. You also have to keep refolding the "wipe on" towel if you are using a liquid wax. After the application, your car will look all hazy and then you wipe off. Your paint is now good-to-go.
Next come your tires. You don't use that crap with the Visigoth on the label that you can buy at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], because that looks like your tires just rolled in a puddle of Vick's Vap-O-Rub. You use the proper preservative loation and you also whip out the proper applicator. While you're down there, you spritz the wheelwells and undercarriage with Undercarriage Spray, to make cleaning said bits easier next time and to make 'em look all purty now.
Finally you lay your attention to the glass. In this case, it's OK to use the stuff you can buy at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], especially that stuff that repels water. You pply it much like you did the wax, only this tie you use the towelettes that pop up out of the canister and, when you've applied all that glass cleaner stuff, you use the dry towelette to wipe off.
Tired yet? Me too.
But we have the interior!
Ths part is easy and a child of 7 or 8 may easily be pressed into service. You get your special vacuum cleaner (the one your spouse won't let in the house because it's TOO LOUD and because last time you almost sucked the cat across the room) and vacuum the car mats, then the rest of the carpet THEN the folds and pleats of the seats. That done you take out your Foaming Leather Cleanser and your leather brush and lather up those seats. With a plain old cotton towel, wipe off. Now you are ready to apply the leather conditioner which you will have conveniently bought in the pop-up wipe configuration because by this point you're getting tired, it's getting late, it looks like rain and, frankly, you don't give a damn that this costs 3x what the thing costs if you just bought it by the gallon. So you condition the leather.
While you're at it, you do the same thing with the vinyl cleaner (only it doesn't foam) and the vinyl conditioner, which you have also gotten in the pop-up package. You put your car mats back in the car, put a towel on the driver's seat (you're soapy and sweaty and gross) and drive your weird Italian sports car back into the garage.
You may now take a shower, comfortable in the fact your car will look spiffing as you drive across the largest swamp in the USA, impressing (literally and figuratively) all of the insects contained thereat.
-Joke, clearly mental
* Including Gary Cooper's Duesenberg, T.E. Lawrence(of Arabia)'s Rolls-Royce and other historically significant cars.
** No pun intended
The short answer is that I am not a normal person.
First, let me explain why I am dog-ass tired.
Tomorrow is one of THE highlights in the SoFla petrosexual calendar: The Collier Automotive Collection is having a fundraiser for some charity or another and I scored us a pair of tix. By way of background, Naples (FL) is the 5th most affluent city in the USA and was started by a guy named Barron Collier, a great pal of Henry Ford and Tom Edison. His sons, not really needing any cash to get through life quite comfortably thankyouverymuch, developed an affinity for the pursuits of gentlemen of leisure in the postwar world, including Big Deal Racing. They managed to hook up with a pal from Yale (Back when Yalies were far more interested in doing useful things) and went off racing to Le Mans a few times. The net result of all this is they amassed a colossal automotive collection* which is not open to the public. Infact this is such a rare treat, I'd go even if it was an event hosted by Noam Chomsky to raise money for Howard Dean's Low Carb Freeze Dried Pudding. Yes, the collection is THAT good.
Now, you can't just pull up to this--if you want to be taken serious in petrosexual circles, anyway--in your wife's minivan. You have to take your "good car" which strikes TFBIM as an odd descriptor sincethis is the car without power steering, power brakes, power windows, a really loud exhaust, verysnug seats, a synchronizer-free stick shift transmission and a suspension that'd rattle any fillings loose. Because there will be other cars going in caravan with you, and some of these are serious cars and you just can't bear to look like a schlep in a minivan in a parade of Maseratis, Ferraris, Lamborghinis and other etceterinis. At least I can't, wich explains my petrosexuality.
And you can't just take your good car out of the driveway or garage and just go, any more than TFBIM would go to a Poppy event without makeup. You have to get it all prettied up. As Blackbird well knows from having a similarly afflicted brother, this is A Complex Procedure, no mere carwash here, thanks.
Let me detail** for those of you who are not tribespersons, what the procedure entails. (To give Poppy a little frisson, I'll do this in the 2nd person)
You start by getting your car washing hose. This is different in many respects from the hose your spouse uses to water the azaleas, roses and other plants with names you confuse with those of Roman Empresses. You've gotten so tired of the disconnect/reconnect thing that you've actually bought a quick-connect coupler. In this case, you'd be using "the curly hose" which is a hose that coils up when you're done with it and makes storage (and hiding it from your covetous spouse) all that much easier. You also need a bucket, like the ones house painters use, clear, so you can detect if you have contaminated your soapy water with dirt. Which is bad.
You fill said bucket not-quite-halfway-up and then you pour in about 2 jiggers of your car wash detergent. If you did it bassackwards, you'd end up with a bucketful of bubbles...which is counterproductive, not the least of which is because your kids want to play with the bubbles now. Anyway the whole driveway area now smells like suntan lotion because the detergent isn't one of those cheapo brands you get at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], but rather something from a catalog(ue) and has been specially formulated for a certain type of paint.
Then you hose down your car (put your special hose's super-special NASA-grade nozzle on "mist") because the car mustbe wet when you start, lest you drag "unencapsulated dirt" all over your paint and cause "swirl marks" which are bad. You then don the sheepskin mitt, which sounds like something from the back pages of an old Frederick's of Hollywood (uh oh, there goes Google) catalog, but is actually the only way to properly apply soapy water to your car.
And you start lathering. The thing to do is start lathering a small section--beginning with the roof--and then, with your special hose's super-special NASA-grade nozzle on "fan," you rinse off the section you just lathered. Then you move to the next section. Then you get out the special undercarriage brush and get in inside the wheel wells. Then, of course, you get your special wheel brush (totally different brush, mind you) and clean your wheels. (If you are someone who only has taken your car through the car wash thingy at the gas station, your wheels are likely filthy, and possibly deteriorating from the corrosive effects of brake dust...you will probably need a wheel cleaner to do the job right)
You now need to dry the car. This requires a chamois (natural or synthetic) and you must be VERRRRRY careful you didn't miss a spot with the wash mitt, because you'll drag dirt around, creating fine scratches (i.e., "swirl marks" the car equivalent to wrinkles) on your paint. Now examine your paint. It should feel all smooth and slick even if it's dry. If it doesn't--it probably won't--you need to "clay" the paint. This requires a special clay and your bottle of detailing spray. You flatten the clay until it looks the size of a raw hamburger, you mist a section of your car with that detailing spray and you rub the clay on the paint. You'll be amazed at the weird crap that sticks to the clay. Now, of course, you are all set to get a-waxin'.
You wax using a wax that is rife with carnauba and not some crap you bought at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting] that promises to make your car laser-proof or as rugged as an armadillo with dry skin. You smell it and it smells like tropical destination's tourist boards want you to think their beaches smell. You also need a couple of microfiber towels. In different colors. One is for wiping on the other for wiping off. You also have to keep refolding the "wipe on" towel if you are using a liquid wax. After the application, your car will look all hazy and then you wipe off. Your paint is now good-to-go.
Next come your tires. You don't use that crap with the Visigoth on the label that you can buy at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], because that looks like your tires just rolled in a puddle of Vick's Vap-O-Rub. You use the proper preservative loation and you also whip out the proper applicator. While you're down there, you spritz the wheelwells and undercarriage with Undercarriage Spray, to make cleaning said bits easier next time and to make 'em look all purty now.
Finally you lay your attention to the glass. In this case, it's OK to use the stuff you can buy at [insert whatever mass market retailer you are not boycotting], especially that stuff that repels water. You pply it much like you did the wax, only this tie you use the towelettes that pop up out of the canister and, when you've applied all that glass cleaner stuff, you use the dry towelette to wipe off.
Tired yet? Me too.
But we have the interior!
Ths part is easy and a child of 7 or 8 may easily be pressed into service. You get your special vacuum cleaner (the one your spouse won't let in the house because it's TOO LOUD and because last time you almost sucked the cat across the room) and vacuum the car mats, then the rest of the carpet THEN the folds and pleats of the seats. That done you take out your Foaming Leather Cleanser and your leather brush and lather up those seats. With a plain old cotton towel, wipe off. Now you are ready to apply the leather conditioner which you will have conveniently bought in the pop-up wipe configuration because by this point you're getting tired, it's getting late, it looks like rain and, frankly, you don't give a damn that this costs 3x what the thing costs if you just bought it by the gallon. So you condition the leather.
While you're at it, you do the same thing with the vinyl cleaner (only it doesn't foam) and the vinyl conditioner, which you have also gotten in the pop-up package. You put your car mats back in the car, put a towel on the driver's seat (you're soapy and sweaty and gross) and drive your weird Italian sports car back into the garage.
You may now take a shower, comfortable in the fact your car will look spiffing as you drive across the largest swamp in the USA, impressing (literally and figuratively) all of the insects contained thereat.
-Joke, clearly mental
* Including Gary Cooper's Duesenberg, T.E. Lawrence(of Arabia)'s Rolls-Royce and other historically significant cars.
** No pun intended
Comments
the five year old asked for the special bucket and three sizes of brushes.
thanks for the explanation of the clay thing. L tells me we are going to clay my volvo on our camping trip! fun!
oh, have fun at the show --
I am now realizing his motives for attending The Hampton Classic.
The clay thing is as close to car-care voodoo as you can imagine. You'll freak out when you see the CRUD that stays on your paint even after you wash it really, really well.
FDD,
My wife will even tolerate driving the car for short hauls (say, if we are going to an event in-town) or if going to a car thing. Otherwise, I preserve the sanctitity of my marriage and my belief in the sanctity of life (i.e., mine) by riding shotgun in the automotive appliance.
Also, Mr. FDD--and I'll assume he is a Porsche fan--would have required diapering had he been at the Museum thing, because among the many things it has is the argest privately-held collection of Porsches in the USA, including ridiculously important Porsche race & production cars and also several winners of the Best In Show and Best In Class at Pebble Beach, Amelia Island and all that.
-Joke
I am now inspired!!! to wash my Passat!! The weather is getting right for car washes, and on top of that, a few too many trips to McDonald's have left a few too many petrified French fries in the back seat (the front seat types don't eat that crap.)
--P.
jujube
p.s. kidding. just kidding.