Given that Poppy simply must be humored...

OK, it's this quiz thing from one of these sites that derives its life's meaning and purpose from the manufacture of things for bloggers to fill their blogs in lieu of actual blogging. The way I understand it, you have to pick 5 (5?) from the following list and complete the sentence in your own, inimitable, idiom.

However, since I am a--note the lowercase "l"--libertarian, I will do this however I bloody well feel like it. That is to say, I will give some brief explanation to of these items on the list and issue the longer paragraphs when the mood overtakes me.

If I could be a scientist...I'd have test tubes.
If I could be a farmer...I'd have an unpleasant, lingering scent. Oh, and we'd all starve, 'cause I'd only grow fey little heirloom vegetables that rot to inedibility within 3 minutes of harvest.
If I could be a musician...done that.
If I could be a doctor...would imply I'd gotten over my squeamishness
If I could be a painter...I'd trade in my colored pencils
If I could be a gardener...I'd grow only things you could eat, and roses.
If I could be a missionary...[make up your own immature joke]
If I could be a chef...done that, sorta
If I could be an architect...I'd design FAR better houses of worship
If I could be a linguist...[make up your own immature joke]
If I could be a psychologist...I'd tell 90% of people to SNAP out of it, the other 10% I'd have committed
If I could be a librarian...I'd put my own reviews on everything on the shelves
If I could be an athlete...it'd be something obscure, like lacrosse or crew
If I could be a lawyer...I'd sue the bastards
If I could be an innkeeper...I'd get payment up front
If I could be a professor...I'd teach, teach well and fuck publishing
If I could be a writer...that would imply I had greater perseverence
If I could be a backup dancer...I'd keep it a secret
If I could be a llama-rider...I'd say "Lake Titicaca" all day long, 'cause it's funny
If I could be a bonnie pirate...I'd be after booty
If I could be a midget stripper...I'd tell the midgets to strip their own damn selves
If I could be a proctologist...I'd have my worldview validated
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...I'd only invite my pals
If I could be an actor...I'd take helium and star in The John Gilbert Story.
If I could be a judge...I'd keep asking "Where, exactly, is that written?" before dismissing cases
If I could be a Jedi...I'd have a casual and formal lightsaber
If I could be a mob boss...I'd whack anyone who wore those "Goodfellas" shirts or sharkskin
If I could be a personal trainer...I'd chase, over difficult terrain, my clients with a horsewhip
If I could be a professional race car driver...that would imply I was getting paid for what I do free of charge
If I could be a stand-up comedian...done that
If I could be an artist...I'd wear black and sulk and vote Socialist

-J.

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