You can't get there from here. (A cautionary tale)

Dear American Airlines,

You may not remember this far back--which would explain away much that your shareholders see in your recent Annual Reports--but last year, around late summer, we in Florida were smacked with about four hurricanes and two tropical storms in a row. It was in all the papers and everything. If you think back you will remember how Our Friendly Neighborhood Airport was shut down, seeing as how someone of some authority (like, say, a Governor) thought it unwise to have airplanes taking off and touching down in 120mph winds and rains in the 6" neighborhood. You may also recall how this meant our flights were cancelled. Not, as you may reflexively suppose, that we cancelled our reservation to attend our pal Sam's wedding in Philadelphia on a whim, but (and follow closely here) that there was none of the usual airport-like activity allowed, and you (American Airlines) could not have flown us under any circumstances.

Now, Sam may not have had the right to wear white to his wedding, seeing as how he had a previous Trial Offer* from Marriage Inc., but it would be safe to say he'd be having no more weddings in the following 12 month period, even if Pennsylvania would revise its bigamy laws to permit the establishment of a harem.

So, therefore, WTF is all this "reissuing fee" bullshit? As my pal Badger might say during that part of her cycle when her estrogen is not on speaking terms with her fallopian tubes "Dude...there was, like, a FUCKING hurricane...with winds and rain and shit!" As a capitalist, I can see you socking deadbeats with that 17.5% charge, but not innocent people who merely had a their airport shut down through no fault of their own. Seeing as how your parent company is based in Dallas, I can see how relieved you were when the Supreme Court threw out all of the Texas sodomy laws.**

Very Truly Yours,

-Joke

But, intrepid reader, our tale does not end there. In fact, it is there that our story fails to end. Because of a realignment in the way the public/private school calendar works, this year summer vacation will only be two months. I'd think it quite a ripoff were I to be 30something years younger than I am now, but as a dad, that's not so bad. Still, it gums up the logistics for our summer vacation plans. Normally, I break up my two weeks into one week to either go to the beach (like in Naples, FL) and do absolutely nothing, or go somewhere educational (like DC, although next year Italy seems quite likely) and take in musea nonstop. The other week has traditionally been consecrated to Disneyland (DL). Between the assorted summer camp schedules for NOS & NTS it was hard to make time, but all was accomplished.

It is our strategy, as regular DL habitués, to get Annual Passes, even though we live across the continent therefrom. What we do is go late in the summer of Year A, and the next summer--we'll call it Summer B--go for the 4th of July with Poppy and her ilk. This way it works out a LOT cheaper than getting 4- or 5-day passes, since we get an aggregate of 14 days for $836 instead of $1728, or, basically, the 2nd trip free. To say nothing of the very steep hotel discounts.

But I digress from the main point of today's blog entry, which is a tirade against the pinheads who've taken hold of American Airlines.

So we have a very narrow window of possible travel to SoCal. This year I accumulated most of my miles on Delta*** and most of the FF miles I used up were on American, most notably, flying all-freebie Supah-Dupah-Luxe-BlingBling-Cristal Champagne-class to Chicago last month. In light of how this all played out, I probably shoulda handled that reservation mo' differently, but what's done's done.

Looking at the various mileage statements from these two competing carriers, I first look to see what Delta**** may have in store for us. Well...it turns out all their FF award flights are monumentally, utterly, inexpressively inconvenient. Not a nonstop to be had. I try both of my nearest major airports, and all the airports convenient to DL***** but no business ensues. The only semi-convenient flights are now something called "Sky Choice" and they require double mileage. Nuh uh. No dice. I'm not shelling out 200,000 SkyMilesTM to be still be moderately inconvenienced. Besides, I'm thinking I'd better hoard my Delta miles, since I'm planning on flying the whole horde of us (to the eventual exasperation of my Italian cousins) business class or better next year. So, let's hold off on Delta.

Let's see what joy American Airlines has in store for us. Well, after that little escapade to Chicago, I damned near depleted my AA FF miles. Bugger. Ah! But I remember I still have these "reissues" sitting in my AA account. I'll use those. Cool. Then came the bitter news (see above) and I had to rethink things, lest I be compelled to rob Peter to, if not pay Paul, fly to Paul's house meaning I would have a FAR less comfy ride to visit Peter next year, if my metaphor is not too overwrought by now.

Now, my thinking is that if I can get cheap enough airfare, I can use the remainder of my AA FF miles and patch things from that end. Well, gentle reader, it is DAMNED NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to find a flight on AA that is simultaneously:

1- Convenient (something tells me my kids might, uh, "be a solid handful" if they had to endure 11 hour travel days) and
2- Available as a FF mile award and
3- Available for less, than, say, $600 per person

When I found a flight that worked for us, it either wasn't available as an award, or it cost $889 per person. When the flights were $198 per person, it was a redeye and/or required a three hour layover in Boston (!). If the flight was a reasonable one in terms of price and schedule, there would be no availability for FF awards. Sometimes, just to torture me--because by now it was quite late--just when I thought I had found something at the AA.com site****** I'd get to a screen that said something like "sorry, the price has now increased to $___." Memo to American Airlines: It makes sense to have more award tickets on the cheaper, less crowded flights. It's a win-win. By the looks of your 2004 financial statements, you'd do well to consider such an idea. Your passengers and shareholders would both be relieved.

Finally, when I realized that I was in the middle of a price-increase whirlpool and racing to beat a 33% hike, I managed to find something (the fact it was a flight at a convenient time, of short duration, inexpensive and also available as a FF award...with an excellent on-time percentage, to boot...means someone at AA probably is going to get fired) and, quite literally, booked it with only seconds to spare.

"Joke, you just wasted the 8 hours following dinner online trying to book palatable airline tickets, what are you going to do next?"

I'm going to Disney World!*******

-Joke

* The $65,000 penalty for early withdrawal left a rather bitter thought in his mouth, though.
** While it probably was all the rage in Sodom and, in all likelihood, also Gomorrah, I fail to see the charm, at least as practiced by the Major Airlines. Oh, yeah, and deciding that a 25% tax on airline tickets is a neat idea is the equivalent of granulate Astroglide to the above scenario.
*** I fly on whatever my clients provide me, unless I am to book my own passage and bill for that in my expenses. Like you care.
**** You don't get off scot-free either, Delta.
***** San Diego (SAN), John Wayne (SNA), LAX, Bob Hope (BUR), Long Beach (LGB), Palm Springs (PSP) and Ontario (ONT)...for those of you playing the home version.
****** A ver-r-r-r-r-ry awkward site to navigate, BTW.
******* No, really. We go to WDW for Memorial Day.