I am, naturally, a rising star.

There are many of you who, by reason of temperament or XX chromosoming, do not get over to my other, even shallower, blog as often as you ought. So, I figured I'd make the big announcement here, and do so by way of sharing with you an email exchange with the 2nd-in-command (I assume, anyway) of THE website for civilized menswear:

Dear J.,

Has C. contacted you yet? We've been admiring your posts -- you have a wry sense of humor -- and have been wondering if you'd like to try your hand at penning a piece or two for us.

This being a labor of love, we don't pay, but the... um... psychological benefits are second to none. If you have any ideas, feel free to email myself or C. directly:

Moi: XxxYZzzz123@xyz.com
Him:XYZ001@xyz.com

Regards

M

To which I replied:

I have yet to be contacted by Our Fearless Leader, save to issue a let-this-be-a-warning-to-you regarding my usage of "whimsy."

I require no financial compensation for expounding, in print, my views on pretty much anything, especially those dealing with matters peripheral or matters integral to being a civilized gentleman. I merely require that any person connected with this enterprise officially consider me a published author and, should it come to that, swear (or affirm) same.

Likewise, I do not require remuneration for expounding, in person, my views on all things; at least not beyond a steady flow of palatable potables. These include--but are not limited to--Aberlour 10 Year Old Single Malt Scotch, Knob Creek, Zacapá Rum, Lepanto Brandy and the better sorts of Armagnac.

Having said that, I shall ponder the matter of which subject deserves to have my written attention and report back. Since this is an informal arrangement, I shall refrain from seeking the advice of counsel on the matter.

Cordially and all that,

-Joke

To which HE replied:

Good.

Coupla trifles we insist upon:

1) In published articles we always use real, actual, given "christian" names... C and I are old magazine hacks and we have our standards, as inebriated as those are.

2) Pitch us... this means, simply that you outline what you want to write about ('bout a paragraph or so) and give any actual, factual sources you want to draw from... contact info and so forth, for liability purposes...

3) When people used to writing in blogs and in forums get an "assignment," they sometimes "clam up" like [former presidentail candidate] giving a stump speech. Don't worry about it. Relax. You'll do fine.

Ditto with criticism: C. will give you feedback and ask for changes in any draft. That's just the way it is. In this, there is no, "Would you pleases" or "Do you minds;" it's more like "DON'T UNDERSTAND PLEASE CLARIFY"

It's not personal. Just be prepared.

Cheers!

M

To which I replied:

In moments like these my sense of vanity and self-importance overwhelms all other considerations. Fine. If it means that much to you and Fearless Leader, okay, sure, I shall use my actual Christian name--which is not, actually, Christian*, since that'd cause approximately six kinds of confusion--and be grateful there was no raw work at the baptismal font. I am further grateful you didn't ask, in addition to revealing my secret identity, for a Mapquest link to the Batcave or what flavor kryptonite gives me pleuresy or consumption.

You should know I am amazingly inured to criticism, so no fears there. That is one of the great advantages of being as shallow and self-absorbed as I am.

On the matter of assignment, I actually prefer them to having to sit for hours on end at the keyboard, tapping my cheek with a pen while trying to be all pensive, waiting for the muse to show up and ring the doorbell. Although I have been known to do that as well.

However, I have always thought it useful to issue articles dealing with specific items that, in my considered opinion, clearly belong in the wardrobe of any civilized gentleman. Blazers, spectator shoes, grosgrain belts, tennis sweaters, club ties, etc. all deserve some individualized focus. The matter of young P. off to some ivory tower got me thinking on that. Naturally, I will include all sources, make all the proper attributions, use endnotes and show all work on the back of the page. Both Strunk AND White will be thrilled, or would be in they weren't, you know, dead.

I further promise no space will be devoted to fetishes, assuaging those people who have fetishes or improper use of, say, Over The Calf socks. And I freely cede all rights to quote French writers in the original, but retain same to as regards Spanish, Italian and/or Latin.

In fact, so filled I am with bonhomie and benevolent kindness, I will generously share copyright; although, naturally, I retain all mineral and screenplay rights. Yes, I will seek the electric chair.

So, um, which way does my office face?

Cordially and all that,

-Joke

* I mean yes, it's Christian (although, I suppose, it was also Hebrew before that), it's just not the same as that guy's name from Mutiny on the Bounty. I promise no exegeses.

Which led to this, from THE man-in-charge:

I got the message you sent to M. If everything's a go and you'd like to officially contribute (no maddening deadlines quite yet), then I'll go ahead and announce it on the site.

C.

Which led to my official aceptance:

Dear Fearless Leader,

Yes, yes...announce freely. No need for ruffles and/or flourishes, though.

(Of course, a little tympani might be nice.)

-Joke

Comments

blackbird said…
well.
verbosity obviously rules.
Badger said…
Neato!

Er, was that good?
Joke said…
BB,

No, *I* rule.

Badge, yes it was. These guys have marveled at me from afar (over on our Usenet clubhouse) and after a few posts on their website's forum the invitation was, I believe, inevitable.

-Joke

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