Thursday, March 16, 2006

Confession Is Good For The Soul

Where to begin?
  • I regularly throw out crap junk food my wife buys.
  • I have VERY low opinions of people's views when they differ from mine. Not of the people themselves, usually, but of their opinions. ("X only eats orange food? Wow, you could never tell X was such an imbecile from just looking...")
  • I have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sick, twisted sense of humor. As in Badger-would-be-appalled twisted.
  • I cuss like a mufuh. I try not to because, y'know...girls read this. Even if they have expansive vocabularies themselves, there are some things you learned from that stern nun wa-a-a-a-ay back when that you can never shake.
  • Almost everything displeases me, to one degree or another.
  • I think sports cars with automatic transmissions are for people who are wheelchair bound or nancy-boys.
  • I sneer at people who read books where the name of the author is in larger and glittery-er type than the title.
  • People who cannot control their temper piss me off. (I.e., Anger is OK, rage is not.)
  • I secretly want to call 95% of the people in this world "dumbass"
  • My obsessions (coffee, food, wine, sports cars, watches, fountain pens, menswear, travel, golf, etc.) are fine, everyone else's (D&D, country music, hiphop music, rennaissance faires, reenacting, etc.) are disturbing.
  • I use caller ID ruthlessly. There are only 3 people who can get me to answer the phone.
  • I don't open the door, as I hate soliciting. It is for their own protection I do not join Jehova's Witnesses in conversation, since being kept from their appointed rounds by an hour long apologetics --extra Latin, s.v.p.-- lesson is likely to get them demerits or whatever.
  • I think people who like white zinfandel are at best, savages. At worst, one gene away from monkey.
  • "I heard you the first time."
  • You stand the greatest chance of being murdered by me if you interrupt me while engrossed in reading. Interrupting me 4-5 times in a short span of time is clearly a death wish.
  • I'm all about conditioned-responses in child-rearing. Not so much that I build a Skinner Box, but close.
  • Corn syrup is really Satanic Cult Juice. Corn deserves a better fate than that.
  • The more bumper stickers your car has, the stupider I consider you to be. If some of the stickers actually cover ANY glass I'm sure that what you got on the SAT was drool.
  • I am mystified by people who can't spell.
  • I used to only date girls whose parents were divorced and met other criteria (of which I am rather ashamed now) which CLEARLY established me as a romantic Macchiavellian. I was even a skilled enough jerk that I secretly engineered breakups AND had them saying Ye Olde "It's Not You...It's Me" thing.
  • I used to confuse "duodecimal" with "Dewey Decimal"
  • People who are dull conversationalists are not friend material for me.
  • I believe women will never achieve equality in the professional world until they renounce artificial fibers.
  • I stop listening to arguments at the word "hegemony"
  • I honestly, for-real, firmly believe I am the single most intelligent person I know. (I'm sure there are people toiling anonymously deciphering secret terrorist code messages, or working on cold fusion, or curing cancer who are more intelligent than I am. I just haven't met them yet.) I have, however, met 2 people who re pretty close. TFBIM says it's like being Chumley the Walrus next to Phineas J. Whoopee and that magic blackboard.

There, now you know. What's my penance?

-J.


Posted by Joke at 9:08 AM

11 Comments

  • Blogger Pavlina posted at 10:44 AM, March 16, 2006  
    You are brave, I am much too wimpy to post my confessions. Bravo!
  • Blogger Poppy Buxom posted at 10:45 AM, March 16, 2006  
    I used to think I did OK in the brains department. Then I got a job at MIT.

    I swear, my obvious mental deficiencies were accorded less than the outright mockery they deserved because I was not just a female, but a young, well-groomed, well-dressed female. Who wore makeup. And had clean hair. And who shaved her legs, and also appeared (a lot of the time they didn't show) to shave her armpits.

    Females of that stamp are comparatively rare in Kendall Square. So with respect to brains, I got away with murder, even when I was in the company of Nobel Laureates.

    p.s. I am the worst speller I know, aside from Elinor Glyn. She wrote many books, and quite well, too, but as far as spelling went, was all but illiterate.
  • Blogger Karan posted at 12:40 PM, March 16, 2006  
    I think that you and I were separated at birth...perhaps that revelation is your penance.
  • Blogger Sarah Louise posted at 1:32 PM, March 16, 2006  
    No comment.
  • Blogger Badger posted at 2:07 PM, March 16, 2006  
    I defy you to appall me. Email is fine.
  • Blogger Tremenda Trigueña posted at 3:10 PM, March 16, 2006  
    Wow...95%? Would the remaining 5% be smart asses?
    Check on the following:
    White zin: Haven't had a sip of it since undergrad
    Spelling: I had a long conversation with my best friend the other night in which we decided that people just don't care about it anymore. Our schools are so focused on "conceptual" learning that if we tell a kid his/her grammar and spelling is atrocious it might hurt his/her feelings...it's the thought that counts!
    Jehovah's Witnesses: Ok, instead of the Latin lesson, I would be giving them the Greek lesson...they often think they are the only people in the world who have unlocked the mystery of the Greek Gospel...suprise! Greek Orthodox still read it to this very day!
  • Blogger Joke posted at 3:23 PM, March 16, 2006  
    Trig,

    I'd be happy to ignore 4.5 of the remaining 5%.

    -J.

    P.S. I will wager that pretty soon you'll be telling me: "I BEG you, please get some therapy."
  • Blogger Tremenda Trigueña posted at 5:11 PM, March 16, 2006  
    That would mean that the 3 years of therapy I paid for were worthless, because you and I share a few common neuroses!
  • Blogger Joke posted at 7:59 PM, March 16, 2006  
    They're not neuroses if you like having them.

    -J.
  • Blogger Lazy cow posted at 5:46 AM, March 17, 2006  
    I'm with Badger. I want to know whether you can be more appalling than my husband.
  • Blogger blackbird posted at 8:34 AM, March 17, 2006  
    Potty mouth?
    I can go right to the gutter.
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